How it's going

It can be quite frightening when it happens.

You are talking to someone
and then they ask " How's it going"
and they look you in the eyes
and there is a silence
and you begin to recite the usual, acceptable, inane response
and then it happens,
without warning,
you tell them how it really is.

You didn't know until the words passed your lips.

Now it is an uncomfortable reality.


Your body has turned to not quite set jelly,
your eyes are wide open,
your eyelids are filled with hot tears,
your mouth opens and closes
stuttering empty sounds.

You are in shock
and you are frightened.



I am in shock
and I am frightened.

I miss you.

I miss you.

I want to laugh with you.

And talk and talk and talk
about tiny little nothings
and big important somethings.

And I want to sit in silence with you.

But I can wait, until you're ready.
cause you've waited for me.

A place to sit together

We are thinking of buying a couch,
 a sofa,
a lounge suite.

It is big and blue,
and it has a long sticky out bit
where we can stretch out our legs side by side.

Four years ago we moved into a little place of our own,
It smelt of damp and of the earth
One of the floorboards had rotted through, letting the cold and the insects in.

We didn't have chairs or couches
we had cardboard boxes,

that had carried my things
and your things
into our space,

that you cut so carefully
and we  lined lovingly with blankets.

And they were our seats,
we were so proud of them.

A creature?

I'm not sure quite what it is,
this thing that's lurking inside my self.

I think it's been there before,
more than once,
but I think it might have changed a bit since then.

It feels dormant (is that the right word?)
It's still for now.
But it could erupt,
whenever it likes,
whenever conditions are right.

But maybe it's just a little creature
settling in to wait out the storm.

It is very windy,
I was worried I'd get blown into traffic today.

I don't know what it is,
I don't know what I can do,
I don't know how long it's here for.

I do think it's a little creature,
maybe it's cute and furry and sweet
and maybe it's dark and scary and dangerous.
Either way it comes to visit now and then,
and each time it's a bit different.

And I don't really like the constant feeling of it,
settling,
turning over in it's sleep?
in the center of my stomach.
I don't really like the feeling at all.

I have been working on my breathing.

I've been breathing in slowly through my nose
and feeling the air fill my chest up
and I've been holding it there,
just for a second
and then letting it go, slowly
until my body feels a little soft and my chest feels a little empty.

Maybe the creature wants some air?

Butterfly stitches

If you need me to,
I can take your heart from you.

If you fear that it may break,
I will take your heart from you.


I will wrap it in soft muslin,
and keep it safe,
inside my chest, beside my own.

If  it is bruised and torn,
I will take your heart from you.

I will bathe it in warm water,
and stitch it back together,
with the gentlest of butterfly stitches.

And when you are ready,
I will give your heart back to you

And it will beat so strong.
And it will feel so right,
sitting warm and safe inside your chest.

Unpleasant

This feeling is unpleasant.
I can't quite pin it down,
but it is unpleasant..

I feel like I am clawing from inside myself
A tiny me,
trying desperately to get out.

My jaw is set,
my brow is sagging
The sides of my mouth are slipping down my face.

I rub my hands over my face,
a little too rough,
again and again.

It's nothing too serious,
it's just an unpleasant feeling,
that I can't quite pin.

Tango

We are learning to tango.

You lead, I follow.
I step backwards, again and again.
You step forward, to the left to the right.
With my chest I follow you, always stepping backwards.

I can't see where we are going.
But you can.
You guide me around other couples,
and sometimes spin me abruptly away from a collision.

I don't notice, until I take them off,
how my feet mold firmly to the shape of the high heels.
When I take them off I forget for a second how to walk normally.
My toes and heel bend backward,  away from the ground.

I can't wait to go again.